


Only Once

by yezabakkoush



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caduceus POV, Fluff, M/M, Post-Battle, Tea, that's it it's just wholesome content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:22:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24155029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yezabakkoush/pseuds/yezabakkoush
Summary: “Have you ever been afraid of death, Caduceus?” Caduceus met Fjord’s gaze when he asked the question. He considered for a minute. Remembered the sight of Fjord’s body on the ground, unmoving.“Only once.”
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 3
Kudos: 142





	Only Once

All he felt was the rain.

Caduceus had seen his fair share of things while traveling together with the others, had had his brushes with— and sometimes more than that— death. Death was something to be respected, to be honored. It was not something to fear. But watching Fjord fall onto the deck of the ship, watching the blade digging through his chest, and something in him had just snapped. Death was not natural, it was not noble when it was happening to a friend. It was ugly, and cruel, and had brought up in him a violence and a rage he had not known he possessed.

All journeys come to an end. This one would not.

He’d done what he could, and by some miracle, it had been enough. The Wildmother’s hand had been with his. Fjord’s breath returned to him, and Caduceus had let himself breathe again too. Maybe that was what balance was, breathing in time with the other. Two hearts beating as one, two lives being entangled and intertwined with each other like vines.

The others spoke, but Caduceus was just _tired_. Hands resting in his lap, staring at the spot where Fjord had been laying. Staring at the blood on the deck of the ship darkening the wood— the funeral spot for a fallen friend that Caduceus hadn’t been ready to say goodbye to.

Jester wanted answers. She sat on the deck and prepared a ritual to speak with her god. “Can we join you and just see if the Wildmother might have anything to say about it as well?” Caduceus’ gaze finally lifted when Fjord spoke, and he watched him gesture between the two of them.

“Caduceus fought very hard for you when you were down,” Caleb said. Caduceus turned to him. “I don’t know if he’s feeling up to it.”

He wasn’t, but Fjord had just _died_. If he wanted to commune with the Wildmother, then that was what they’d do. Caduceus wanted to speak with her anyway, give thanks for her guiding hand when he’d needed it the most. “I’ll try,” he said. “But I can’t promise anything.”

He didn’t listen for her word for once, only spoke his own. _Thank you,_ he thought, eyes shutting tight. _Thank you for bringing him back to me._

Exhausted as he was, Caduceus didn’t think he’d ever sleep again after that. He just sat in his room, looking at the wall. His mind kept wandering to Fjord, to all he’d seen. Inevitably replaying Fjord falling from the crow’s nest onto the ship deck, and the scream that Beau had let out when she’d watched him fall. His hands trembled, and he didn’t realize it until he looked down and saw how much they shook. Death had never threatened to be more final. The flow of life and death didn't bother him, but Fjord? Fjord was different. He didn't know how, or why, but he was just... special. He was a leader, he held the group together. He protected them. 

So why did it feel like there was so much more weight behind it than that?

Someone knocked softly at his door, and Caduceus looked up. “Come in,” he said.

Fjord opened the door, carrying something in his large hands. It took Caduceus a moment to realize it was his tea kettle. He frowned and looked at Fjord. He looked awful, but that was no surprise. “Do you have a minute?” he asked. Caduceus nodded and gestured for him to sit down. Fjord looked around for a moment before sitting down on Caduceus’ bed. They met each other’s gaze.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“I’ve been better,” Fjord said. “But I’m alive, thanks to you. Beau told me what you did during the fight. That was brave of you.”

“You would’ve done the same for me,” Caduceus said with a small shrug. “That’s what friends do, right? Protect each other?” Fjord nodded, and Caduceus managed a smile before he nodded at his tea kettle. “Did I lose that?”

“What? Oh, no.” Fjord looked down at the kettle before he looked up at Caduceus again. If he hadn’t lost so much blood, Caduceus thought he might’ve blushed then. “It was meant to be a thank you. For everything you did for me.”

Caduceus smiled slowly. “Fjord, I appreciate it, but giving me my own stuff isn’t really a thank you. Not where I’m from, at least.”

“No,” Fjord said. “No, it’s— I made you tea.”

Caduceus’ expression stilled. “You what?”

“Tea,” Fjord repeated. He was definitely blushing now. “You like tea, so I made— I made you tea. As a thank you.” He was still holding onto the tea kettle awkwardly between the two of them, desperate for Caduceus to take it from him. Caduceus remained frozen there for a moment while he processed it. 

_Oh,_ his brain said. _So this is what love feels like._

He grabbed two cups after a moment, and Fjord filled them both with tea before setting the kettle aside. They drank in silence for a minute. “This is good,” Caduceus finally said. He gave Fjord a small smile. “Thank you for this, it was very kind.” Fjord just nodded, and Caduceus let them fall back into silence again as they drank. 

“Have you ever been afraid of death, Caduceus?” Caduceus met Fjord’s gaze when he asked the question. He considered for a minute. Remembered the sight of Fjord’s body on the ground, unmoving. 

“Only once.” He took another sip of tea. 

Fjord nodded, and he seemed to be processing the information for awhile. Caduceus didn’t push him, just kept drinking his tea quietly. It was just normal, bland tea, nothing fancy to it. But it had been made by a friend, which made it sweeter than honey. 

“I thought it was over.” Caduceus looked up at Fjord. “I thought I was done with… with all of that. I didn’t even think about this, about the danger… I put you all at risk.”

“We’re friends,” Caduceus said. “I would’ve come with you even if I’d known it was going to be this dangerous.” Fjord frowned at him, brows furrowing. It was Caduceus’ turn to blush. “The group. This group, it’s like… it’s my family. As much as my family back at home is. I love you. All of you.”

Something shifted in Fjord’s gaze, made it softer. Who was the last person to tell Fjord they loved him? The words didn’t seem to displease him, and there was a pause before he looked down at his cup, a small smile turning his lips upwards. “I love you too,” he said. Caduceus smiled. 

“Then that’s all there is to it,” he said. “I protect the people I love. I protect my family.”

“Yeah.” Fjord’s gaze remained lowered before he looked up at Caduceus again. “Our family.” They both resumed drinking their tea, but Caduceus felt lighter. Somehow, the world felt a little less scary. Sitting with Fjord drinking tea, it felt like the world had some good in it after all. 


End file.
